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Grieving Alone
We were only a year and a half apart.  She was my best friend as well as my sister, and I talked to her EVERYDAY!  I lost her to breast cancer on November 9th 2007.  I was with her when she took her last breath.  She was only 43.

We went to the beach the week before she was admitted into the hospital for seizures (the cancer had gone to her brain, but we did not know that yet).  She felt great at the beach, more than she had in almost a year.  We went for the weekend, and because she felt so good we tried to stay a few extra days.  Unfortunately responsibilities wouldn’t allow us.  The following weekend she went to Nantucket to see our cousin.  Friday she was good, but on Saturday she complained of bad headaches.  She eventually went to the hospital on the island and was given fluids for being dehydrated and was released the following day.  Her husband of only two years and my sister flew over to Hyannis Port to go back for their car.  She had an episode in the airport, so she was taken by ambulance to the hospital.  She spent a day there, and the next day was transferred back to Connecticut via ambulance to her home-town hospital over 3 hours away. There we found out the cancer had gone to her brain. 

I live in NJ and went the following day to stay with her.  That was October 3rd  and through many seizures and other complications from the cancer, she died on November 9th with her family by her side.  It was the toughest 6 weeks of my life.  To watch someone you love so much lose their life in front of you is just horrific.

The morning she died, at 12:45 am, we stayed with her until 3am.  We cried and still took care of her even knowing that she was gone.  We covered her and kissed her and even hugged her, but she was gone and leaving that room was extremely difficult.  We would never see her again.
 
I have been alone in my grieving.  My family doesn’t cope with me.  They give me a sorrowful glance, like ooh, I’m so sorry.  All I want  to do is talk about it and I have no one.  My friends who were there during the time when she was sick, have all stepped back.   I try to put on a good front since I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but it hurts.  It hurts every day.  I too want to die so I can be with her.  I want to see her again and make sure she is not pain anymore and she is happy and with her notorious smile.  I know I am not the only one this has happened to, but it feels like it.

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