by Melinda Lee Smith
I wanted to share my story in hopes that it may touch at least one person with hope.
My name is Malinda, and I am a survivor of a SIDS child. My daughter Jessica, died at only 8 months old, from this unexplainable death, on March 20, 2005. On that day, my world fell apart. I did not know how to breathe anymore. I couldn't quit crying... And for about 3 months following her death, I continued to hear her crying as if I was suppose to go fix her. I was called everything short of "nuts". I'll never forget the first day I realized that the crying had stopped. Allof a sudden, in the middle of the day, it had dawned on me I couldn't hear it. I ran around and turned everything off that could possibly make noise, just to be sure. And to my surprise, it was quite! I feltso happy... for a brief moment. Until the guilt of being happy set in.I'm here to tell you, losing a child, no matter how young or old theyare, just ain't right. It changes who you are, how you think, how youfeel, how you love.... the list goes on and on. All I know is that I didn't know how I was moving around and functioning. It was as if someone had a remote control and was manually helping me along. Shortly after losing my daughter, my husband and I broke up... about the same time I found out we were expecting another baby! I was like, "Oh no! I can't do this, I don't want to do this, Why ME????" I made it through that pregnancy. Now, how my newest arrival did??? You got me! I cried all the time and was constantly depressed. Butshortly after her birth, I finally came undone. I had had all I could take. I snapped! This lasted about 4 months. Until one day, I realized I had to find a way to move forward. I had other children who neededme. I was still a mother... and a sister, and a daugter, and a friend,and so on. I was needed everywhere I looked! I had to except that mybaby was in a better place and that I wasn't going to understand all the "why's".
So I began to find ways to look at her death and what had unfolded because of it, as a positive. Granted, I only found 1. But that one reason has given me new reason's to smile. And kept me here until I could be happy with me again!
Shortly after they drove away with Jessica, someone had called me totell me that her heart and eyes were still good, and to ask if I wanted to have them donated. I did! And because of that decision, 3 children live because of different heart valves from her heart, and another child can see their family because of her eyes! My baby became a hero at just 8 months old!
What better reason do I need, to know that she had a reason for dying. Even if her death itself did not make sense!
Now maybe someone reading this is saying, "But I didn't donate any part of my child, how do I cope???" Well, I don't have all the answers. But what I do know, and what I truly believe, is that God will not give us more than we can handle. Even if at the time you don't believe in God, He is real! Hey, I cursed God at first! I cursed EVERYONE because their lives seemed unaffected! They kept getting up and going on with each day, while I had trouble finding reason's to open my eye's. If I were honest, there were days I prayed I would not wake up at all, because the pain was so deep! But there will come a day, when you look back and realize, "Hey, I made it passed yesterday!" And then there will come a day when you want to find the good in what has happened. Trust me, what you feel will never go away! But what WILL happen, is you will find new ways to deal with it. You will find that, with time, the hurt doesn't hurt like in the beginning. My baby has been gone almost 3 years. And there are still days I cry till I think my tears have run dry. But I promise, I have more days with smiles because of how she touched my heart while she was here!
Just words from someone who knows what the end of the world feels like, and what a new beginning can be if you let it....
In memory of my baby girl,
Jessica Taylor Smith
07/15/04 to 03/20/05
Mommy Loves YOU!
Malinda Lee Smith
