Losing your child is the worst thing that a person can experience. Here at Memory-Of.com, grieving parents tell us that they feel as though they've lost a part of themselves, as well as their child. The fact is that children are just not supposed to die before their parents. When they do, the parent can be filled with a sense of guilt. Guilt for not preventing it somehow. Guilt for feeling powerless.
Time only seems to dull the pain into something manageable, never eradicating it. But while you may never stop grieving your child, there are healthy ways to live with your grief. We all grieve in our own way, but we should be aware of when our grief is moving into unhealthy areas. Normally we know when things are bad for us. On a very basic level we've learned throughout our lives that pain is a warning that something's wrong. Our body sends us signs if we need rest, or medical attention, but in times of grief, when everything seems to hurt, it can be hard to know what is just another stage in the process, and what is causing more harm.
Or resident therapist, Kristie wrote a wonderful guide through the grieving process this week, which may help you. Each step in the grief process is hard. It's not an issue of making it easy, but simply living with the pain. It's the living with the pain that we become accustomed to, not the loss itself.
Sorting through and dealing with possessions that your loved one has left behind can be an especially difficult step. After the loss of a child, their bedroom can become a sort of mausoleum. Unlike packing up a house or apartment which can have strict timelines involved as to when everything must be done, your child's bedroom can be left as it is indefinitely. When is it the right time to pack it up? Only you can know; there is not a right or wrong time to do it.
The emotions that this process will stir in you will be overwhelming. The smell and feel of the fabric of the clothes will flood you in memories. It's okay to be nervous about doing it. Some parents want to share the experience with a family member or friend, as a pillar of support through the ordeal. Others, who may feel embarrassed to weep openly (even though they know that they shouldn't) prefer to go through it privately. Just don't be bullied into how to handle this difficult step; you know what is a comfort to you and what is not. Listen to your heart, and do what you need to do.
Packing up your child’s room marks the finality of their life. But, their memories live on through mementos and keepsakes. Some parents are comforted by having some of their child's possessions around the house on display, while others prefer to keep them in a private spot, unseen to guests. It may be healing to give away some of your child's things to friends or family, or to those who can't afford nice clothes or toys. Again, there is no simple answer to what to do with your child's things, so just do what feels right to you. If there is any doubt as what to do with an item, wait, and do not feel hurried to make a choice. When deciding if you should give something away, try to process how you may feel when you see it for the first time again with the other person. Will you feel joy or sadness by the memories it may invoke?
Read Kristie's article on grief to understand what you're feeling, and why. If you go at our own pace and allow yourself to grieve you will know when you're ready to make these decisions.
