After a loved one passes away, there are often dozens of concerned parties that need to be informed. Since grieving is such an individualized experience, some bereaved may find this chore to be therapeutic, while others may find it to be a terrible burden. Passing along the sad news can be a positive experience in that it presents the opportunity to hear voice after voice of compassion and condolence. On the other hand, the reality of the tragedy has to be repeated again and again and there is no predicting what the reaction of others will be. The wrong words might further upset a person who already feels at their wit’s end. Many bereaved are left wondering if there is any etiquette in who needs to be contacted and what to say.
Dividing this responsibility can ease the pressure on everyone. Everyone who loved or cared about the departed deserves to hear the news. Although, there are often tensions within these groups- estranged relatives or friends who would prefer not to speak at such a sensitive time. Different people can contact those with whom they are most comfortable.
Upon learning of a death, many people will ask if there is anything they can do. It is a good idea to ask them to help brainstorm who would like to know. Forgetfulness is a common symptom of grief, so it is always good to have a multiple minds assisting in this task. Then ask if they wouldn’t mind making some of these contacts. Most people genuinely want to help in some way, and this is a simple and practical matter. Ideally, the people most directly affected by the death shouldn’t have to make any more phone calls than they feel up to.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to present the information in the “right” way. There is no “right” way. Some will tell you that it is obviously best to brace the person for the news. They might recommend starting off with a phrase such as, “I have some sad news for you.” Others will tell you saying it directly is clearly the way to go. They might liken it to tearing off a band-aid. The truth is different individuals will prefer to hear the news in different ways and you can never predict all their penchants. When the update being delivered is so dramatic and serious, the news itself tends to upstage the method of presentation.
Some people consider it proper etiquette not to leave the news of a death on an answering machine. Their rationale may be that the information is too sensitive, or that it doesn’t give the person a chance to react. However, technology is used more often and for a greater range of tasks all the time. The people closest to the departed, those who are dealing with the most severe loss and having to do the most postmortem work, have to do what’s best for them. The energy to make follow up calls instead of leaving messages or writing emails isn’t always there. It is better to get the news out in a voice message or even an email than to not get the news out at all.
Hopefully, no one will find fault with the way they were informed. Unfortunately, with emotions running so high, it is not unusual for someone to feel in some way slighted. Simply remind this person what a difficult time this is, and how everyone is doing their best. Assure them that you meant no insult and that this is the time to band together and support one another. All mistakes should be forgiven, especially those made during times of extreme stress and sadness.
