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| How do you Respond to Friends who think you should “Move On”? |
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Taking the time to mourn and grieve the loss of a loved one is not an easy process, and it’s different for all of us. It is important to take as long as we need, but then, at a certain point, it seems that some of those around us lose interest. They seem to think we should just move on, and we’re left to wonder how?
There may be moments when you wonder “How did everybody get to be so mean, detached, and distant?” It might feel like your close friends, coworkers and family no longer recognize you. “What’s happening?” “All of a sudden, I am getting the cold shoulder from people that I have been close to for so long.” If you’ve noticed that some people in your life are not being as supportive as they once were, sadly, you’re not alone.
If someone you know tells you to stop talking about death, how do you handle this? There may be subtle ways to le them know that your pain is happening now, and that in this very moment, it a very difficult thing to go through. Emphasizing that it is right now, rather than in the past, may help them understand.
The truth is that the people around you are acting this way because suffering is not a comfortable emotion. In our modern society, what are most valued are success, happiness, and achievement. We forget that both the positive and negative are integral aspects of life. Take the example of birth. A moment of great is joy is preceded by a sharp, intense pain for the mother. Both can exist simultaneously.
There may be days when you feel surprised at the range of human emotion in processing the complexity of death. You may have raw feelings of anger. You may feel that people around you are phony, because they are not giving you a space to express yourself. They have learned to repress painful emotions. It is this voice that is pushing you away. So, breathe deeply, and give yourself little moments of joy to offset the edge of what you are going through.
It is normal for you to feel extremely sad at times. It okay for you to want to lash out. Take a pillow and hit it. If you find feelings of aggression towards the outside world, you can allow yourself some space to express it in a constructive manner. The acceptance of yourself as a human being --with a range of feelings-- will bring you comfort in time. You will find that as a plant that has weathered multiple storms, your roots have grown stronger, and your soil has grown rich with nutrients. Once all the weeds have been pulled out, more vibrant leaves have the space to grow. By allowing yourself to feel, you are becoming a better person, while simultaneously honoring your lost loved one.
