Grieving has no timeline, and is unique to each of us. What you may feel may be completely different to what someone else felt in their time of loss. Grief is something that cannot be measured. It cannot be given an “end date” when one “should” feel a certain way. But there are choices that we all can make, and not holding onto grief is one of them.
Holding onto grief is something that can lead to many dangers in life. I know this first-hand yet at the time could not see the dangers I was headed for. At three years old I lost my father to murder. As a child I constantly grieved for him, so as an adult I thought that I had finally put it behind me. I was wrong. Bouts of depression and inexplicable pain drove me to a dangerous place where I became afraid of myself. From there I spoke to a professional, and began to understand that I never came to a point where I accepted my grief; I never made time to understand that this was traumatic because I simply “moved on”.
Still today it is difficult, but I do know one thing: grief has to be dealt with. The goal is not to “get over it,” but there is a time where you must learn to live with the situation, and accept it. You can choose to live with your grief without clinging to the initial stages of emotional turbulence.
Integrating into society again, and allowing yourself to resume normal activities while continuing to honor, think about and deal with your feelings is a start. After 15 years of clinging to my father’s death, and having it be my foundation for relationships, my career and more, I learned to accept my circumstances and what had happened.
Try and remember the joy, and positive moments with your loved one. Think about what you are holding onto in your mind and within their memory, and from there take the energy and the love. You can live with the memories, without being overcome by the grief.
