Whether you have been married for 30 years or 30 days, when you lose a spouse you are losing a friend, a lover, a partner, a support system, and most importantly: someone that you decided to spend the rest of your life with. Because of this, when a husband or wife dies, it can seem too overwhelming to deal with. Beyond the sadness and grief that one experiences when a spouse dies, there are also other matters that are specific to the loss of a husband or wife. If you found yourself financially supported by your spouse, then the loss of him or her could force a major shift in the way in which you live the rest of your life. If there are children in the marriage, then in addition to dealing with your own grief, you also have to deal with the grief and sadness of those children. So while we know that when we get married that inevitably one of us will die first, we rarely envision what life will be like when that actually happens.
Gloria Linterman’s co-wrote two wonderful books titled The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey through Loss to Life and Laughter and The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to and New Love, both of which I highly recommend for those who are grieving the loss of a spouse. In recounting her own personal experience with loss, she writes,
“I adored my husband and when he died, my life felt over. I needed to learn how to transform this sadness into something positive. Not a “substitute,” but a conversion, from a “we” to an “I.” Not in a selfish way, but as a way of refocusing; to live my life in a positive way without him ... not losing the memory and loving feelings of him, but incorporating them and moving forward. My goal was to heal in a way that's positive and energizing instead of depleting.”
That sentiment from Ms. Linterman perfectly illustrates the way in which we can move forward with our lives, without feeling like we are disrespecting the memory and love that we still have for our husband or wife. She also offers 6 practical tips for dealing with the loss of a spouse:
- 1) Recognizing who among your family and friends are “emotionally safe” right now. In other words, who do you feel most comfortable talking to about your feelings right now?
- 2) Putting yourself first, at least right now. Even if you have children to worry about, the first and most important thing is taking care of yourself so eventually you will be able to be there for your children.
- 3) Be open with your children, and encourage them to be open with you. Reminding them that this is something that you all have to work through together
- 4) Slow down. When you find yourself getting too worked up, try to take a nap or a few deep breaths.
- 5) Exercise. The releasing of endorphins has been shown to relieve stress and negative feelings.
- 6) Timetables. Honor your own timetable for taking care of your spouse’s personal things and getting your own home in order following the death of a spouse.
I’d like to elaborate on that final point. When a spouse passes away, there are a lot of things that will need to be taken care, whether that means cleaning out the other side of the closet, changing the answering machine message, or dealing with the estate. Whatever it may be, recognize that these are extremely difficult things to do and that for some people it may take a long time to get around to doing them. Doing these things is very important to the healing process though, so make a decision when you are going to take care of these things, and as painful as it is to do it, just make it happen. It will be a very cathartic experience and one that will inch you along in the grieving process.
There are many support groups for those who have lost a spouse. These groups take place both on the Web and in person all over the country. These groups differ according to religion and belief, but they all share the desire to help those who are grieving the loss of a husband or wife. If you Google the phrase: Support Group Loss of Spouse (and whatever area you are from), you will find many groups in your area in which you can join. These groups are very helpful, and I highly recommend them to anyone who is dealing with this type of loss. What you need to realize is that there are many people and places in your life that are willing to help and lend support, and that with time you will be able to make it through this very difficult time.
