This is the first in a series of articles on SIDS, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. This article will provide information regarding what we know…or should I say how little we know about SIDS and grieving. In the upcoming weeks I will cover complicated grieving and the impact on siblings and your marriage.
Mothers have reported that following the death of their baby, their arms would physically ache to hold their baby (On Death and Dying, Kubler-Ross). SIDS is not a syndrome or a disease. It is a label given to an unexplainable death of an infant under a year old
Sudden deaths that occur without warning often require additional understanding and intervention. Families, especially mothers, grapple with the many unanswered questions. Sudden deaths are often more difficult to grieve than losses precluding a long illness, because we have had time to grieve in some manner prior to the death (anticipatory grief). When a loved one dies suddenly, there is a sense of helplessness that simply cannot be consoled. With SIDS, the tragedy amplified since there are no answers. We look to the medical profession for guidance and protection. Yet, with SIDS, there are so many questions left unanswered. These unanswered questions may leave us feeling empty, devastated, and guilt ridden.
As parents you may feel guilt and place blame on yourself. Parents may analyze the last feeding and those last hours shared with their baby. Parents may perhaps feel the baby died due to suffocation, unknown prior illness, or aspiration. Others look to the parents for an answer. Yet, they cannot give one. The doctors do not have the answers. SIDS is not caused from suffocation, aspiration, immunizations or abuse.
It is not the fault of the parent or the caregiver. It affects all races and economic status. SIDS cannot be predicted; nor can it be prevented. There is nothing you, as a parent or caregiver, could have done differently to prevent the death of your child in the case of SIDS.
Statistics are meaningless during such a heartrending time. However, I will share with you that you are not alone. Along with Memory-Of.com, there are many sites and community resources to support you during this time.
Shock, denial, and numbness may be the first emotions you experience. This allows for our mind to prepare for the intense emotional loss that has occurred. Allow the tears to flow. They are a reflection of your soul and critical to the grieving process. Reach out to others for support. Those closest to you will grieve with you and allow you to grieve as well. Create a memorial for your child whether online through Memory-Of.com, or a scrapbook of memories. Allow yourself to be angry, frustrated, confused, and bewildered about what has occurred. Denying or burying your emotions will sanction complicated grieving, which may lead to clinical depression. Seek the support of a professional to share your story and your baby’s story. Share the joyful memories with others. Life will never be the same again. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, will all be difficult times. But try finding peace in the knowledge that the pain will become more manageable in time. Sharing your story with others aids in the healing through the realization that it is not your fault and others are experiencing grief in the same manner.
I’ll be back with more on grieving and SIDS in the future.
