‘An unimaginable, indescribable loss has taken place. It has inflicted a wound so deep that numbness and excruciating pain are the material of which it is made’ (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, On Grief and Grieving).
The loss of a child is tragic, and the grief remains a lifelong process. For a parent, grieving becomes a part of who you are. Daily care of your child creates an attachment that surpasses any other relationship. We wake each morning anticipating the day, never thinking that you may outlive your child.
Pack up your child’s possessions? It echoes as a daunting task that must be done, yet the pain is so overwhelming, you can’t move. How do you begin to pack up your child’s room when just the mere thoughts are emotionally crushing?
There is not an incorrect time to complete this task. According to Dr. Ross, a pioneer in grief and loss, there are five stages of grief. Within the stages we will discover how and when to begin to pack up your child’s room. Understanding these five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) will make us better equipped to deal with losses.
According to recent journals, the loss of a child can exceed any pain experienced in life. When we are told our child is dead, we don't want to believe what we are hearing. It can’t be true. Denial gives our mind time to process what has occurred. It allows for the absorption of the loss. When we experience denial we may be in shock, or unable to physically move and speak. It is a protective mechanism for our mind, as we adjust to the idea that we will no longer trip over toys in the hall, fold their laundry, or kiss them goodnight.
As you begin to accept the loss of your child, and understand it as a reality, the healing process begins. As the denial diminishes, the intense feelings surface as anger. Often times it is not logical; you may be angry with another person, God, a situation, yourself, or even your child. You may be angry that you are alive. It is important that you allow yourself to experience the anger, because it is within this anger that you will begin to heal. Experience it as part of accepting that your child has died. Anger provides a structure to your loss, replacing numbness with emotion.
Bargaining is the state of being submerged in ‘if only…’ and ‘what if…’ statements. We search for a way to ease the pain. Guilt accompanies bargaining. We often search for ways things could’ve been different, and prevented our loss. We bargain to relieve the pain. Bargaining provides another opportunity for our mind to fill the disparity between the depths of our sorrow. It allows for a reprieve in our pain and transition into the next stage, depression.
Depression is reality following a loss. Completion of daily activities may seem impossible, as life seems unfair and meaningless. It is a natural and normal response to the loss of a loved one, but if depression lasts for a prolonged period, seek professional support. Clinical depression untreated can be paralyzing to a person’s mental health.
According to Dr.Ross (On Grief and Grieving), ‘…depression can be dealt with in a paradoxical way. See it as a visitor, perhaps as an unwelcome one, but one that is visiting whether you like it or not. Make a place for your guest. Invite your depression to pull up a chair with you…without looking for a way to escape. Allow your sadness and emptiness to cleanse you and help you explore your loss in its entirety. When you allow yourself to experience depression, it will leave as soon as it has served its purpose in your loss. ’
The final stage is acceptance, as we believe that our loved one has died. Some may confuse it with being alright, but this is not the case. As we begin to recognize the permanency of your loss, we must redefine our lives, which will never be as they were before the loss. You may feel guilty for living, knowing you cannot bring them back. But you can celebrate the life of your child even while mourning their death.
The stages are unique to each of us. We may pass through them within minutes, hours, or months. We may move between them, or repeat a stage. We each grieve differently, and we grieve so that we may heal.
Your feelings may be consuming, but as long as they are not consuming for a long period of time, it is ok to feel them, to live them. If you are in need of professional support, do not hesitate to contact me. Many parents have found great solace in On Children and Death by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
