The grieving process is one of the most difficult and emotionally wrenching experiences that you will go through in their lifetime. Its' emotional and physical manifestations can last well after the initial shock and despair of the loss. Sometimes these feelings can last for months, sometimes years, and for some people, it never really subsides. For many of us, the old saying ‘time heals all wounds’ does not seem to apply. Maybe some days are better than others, but overall it seems that no matter what we do we are still so caught up in our feelings and emotions that we can't move on.

While I wish that there were a quick and easy solution to these feelings that we have, the truth of the matter is: the only way for any of us to truly move on from such a powerful and devastating experience is to fully allow ourselves the ability to grieve. What is meant by this “ability to grieve” of course will be different for every person, as each of us grieve in our own way. Inherent within the powerful physical and emotional pains that accompany the grieving process, comes the ability for us to heal ourselves and be the strong and resilient people that we have the potential to be.

It has been said that as we experience the intensity of the physical and emotional anguish related to the death of a loved one, it becomes so intense that we cannot avoid the raw experience of human pain. Many times we will try to run from this raw experience though, by distracting ourselves from it or pretending it does not exist. When I speak about the "full ability to grieve", I am speaking about taking the opposite route. By embracing this pain as not only a truly human experience, but also as the recognition of how much we loved the person we lost, we can begin to move past it.

Of course this is a lot easier said than done. But what I will present now is a quick and simple exercise that may allow you to step back for a second, a minute, maybe even a few minutes and see that while you are experiencing a profound and painful human emotion, you don’t have to be controlled by it. Through this simple breathing exercise, you may be able calm your inner grief, and perhaps gain a little clarity.

When you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by an emotion, be it sadness, regret, guilt, or even happiness at certain memories, I’d like you to take ten deep breaths. After each exhale, count out loud what number you are on, from 1 to 10. After you’ve taken your ten deep breaths, I want you to continue breathing and watch your breath as you inhale and exhale. When you get distracted by a thought or a feeling about your loved one, I want you to watch that feeling in your mind; just don’t get carried away by it. Watch it until it disappears (which it will) and bring your focus back to your breathing. When a powerful feeling or thought comes up, don’t run away from it, but experience it. Be with it, and realize that it will pass, if only for a moment or two. When it does, continue to follow your breathing.

If you practice this technique for a while, you will see that in time, it will become easier for you to calm down and focus on your breathing when you get very upset, and that it will also become easier for you to process and eventually be able to let go of some of the grief that is overtaking your ability to resume a healthy and productive life.

So, while we never want to let go of the memory of our loved ones, it is important that we do not let grief overtake our ability to live the rest of our own lives. This very simple breathing technique may give you the chance to step back for a second and see your grief for what it is: a powerful and profoundly human experience, which nonetheless does not have to control your life.