“There are things I will never forget. The knock on the front door that November morning, the solemn look in the eye of the Army officer who came to deliver the news, the morning paper that bore the headlines, ‘Soldiers killed…’, and the feel of the heavy cloth of the folded flag that was gently placed in my arms at the graveside. And I shall never forget the mournful notes of the bugle drifting out over the rows of silent headstones as the final honors were rendered at the cemetery. Those memories are with me forever." - Bonnie Carroll, a message from TAPS
hero: (n) remarkably brave person: somebody who commits an act of remarkable bravery or who has shown an admirable quality such as great courage or strength of character, a war hero (Encarta World English Dictionary 1998-2005).
Each day men and women make the courageous decision to defend our country. As family members, we recognize the dangers of such a choice. Yet the bravery and commitment to mankind shines even brighter. We know in this chosen profession there is a higher chance of death. We fear and worry, yet love and let go. What makes the loss of a war hero different?
The death of a hero delivers a magnitude of sorrow for those left behind. It is a sudden, tragic, and feared life event. This week we will explore the loss of a spouse through war. It is a unique loss, in relation to all the emotions that are involved following the death of a military hero. For family members who live on base, they are required to move immediately from their home, friends, schools, churches, and all that is familiar to them. They must start over amidst the tragedy. They succumb to the deepest of loneliness, and are shocked beyond belief.
In the event of a sudden death of a loved one, our grief is magnified. We have not had a chance to share our last words, or express our inner most thoughts. We are not able to say goodbye. The unfairness of life is overwhelming. We feel robbed of precious moments with our loved one that inhibits the grieving process. The shock and dismay create an obstacle in our healing. Denial is mitigated if there is not a body to memorialize. Not only were we unable to share our last words, but were also unable to have closure of their life. The lack of closure creates a barrier for our grief.
Healing may seem out of reach. However, there is hope through time. The stages of grief are the same, however more complex. You may find that you will spend a greater amount of time in denial. When a death is sudden, it is much more difficult to emotionally process. At times, the more sudden the death, the longer it may take to heal. You may feel physically ill and depressed. It may feel as if it is the loneliest time in your life. Yesterday you may have exchanged emails, and today you are planning a funeral. Next week, you may have to move your entire family. It is daunting. Reach out to others and allow them to support you.
Through the comfort of others and daily living we heal. We learn that it is not how our loved one has died, but the courageous acts that are to be celebrated. We memorialize their life with great pride for who they were and what they have contributed to our freedom.
In our grief, we have many avenues of support to heal. In the coming weeks, Memory-Of and myself will offer Online Support Groups and Private Sessions. This will greatly advance the healing process. The military also offers much support in times of grief and sorrow. Additionally, there is also a wealth of resources available through the internet. Often I have recommended to clients the book Living With Grief: After Sudden Loss, Suicide, Homicide, Accident, Heart Attack, and Stroke by Kenneth Doka. It is an excellent resource that offers insight into the complicated grieving process of the loss of a military hero.
Although darkness may engulf us in our loneliest hour, find peace and solace in the knowledge that our loved ones have died in the bravest of ways. They lived their dream with passion as they served our country. We will heal through time. Our pain may seem endless, but we will heal in celebration of their noble lives.
