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Missing my husband more everyday.

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Forum: Suicide Survivors
Thread Starter: vallane
Started: 03-20-2005 4:05 AM
Replies: 4

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 http://Ian John Haslett.memory-of.com
  20 Mar 2005, 4:05 AM
Missing my husband more everyday.
I have read many other messages on the site, and I know I am not alone in my loss. My lovely Ian killed himself last May 20th. Ian was such a lovely kind and gentleman. I cannot get my head around the fact that he has gone. I worry that maybe I am betraying him because I cannot accept that he will never come back, I have never cried, I feel nothing at all. I talk to Ian all of the time as I did when he was here, and even in the car when I get anxious ( I notice the insecurity) I tell him that he better be with me as I do not feel so good. I am sure folk must think me mad if they see me chatting away to myself as they pass, I hope they think I am singing along to the music we loved, as I always have that playing as well.
Ian's family have turned away form me because he left instructions with me that we had talked about a lot, plus in letters how he wanted his funeral to be. quick quiet, no fuss, no viewing, no nothing, I did have a blessing done for him with a priest just before he was cremated, and I had a service prepared for his relatives, but Ian was not there as he was cremated 1 hour before that service, I had a short service with a priest at the crematorium. Ian's request. I am not sorry, I still try to do what he asked me to do. I am alone with it all, I have been since day one. funny thing is that in the 21 years of our marriage I never met any of his family, and neither did he, apart from at his dads funeral. Catholics just seem to need death to survive. I have never known anyone question a last wish before. maybe I am wrong, but I do not think so. 
I love my Ian so very much, and I know what he did was such a waste of a lovely human. I wish that I could feel something, is there something wrong with me I wonder?
God Bless Ian. I love and miss you more each day.
Val x  

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  21 Mar 2005, 12:46 PM
Re: Missing my husband more everyday.
Hi Val:

I didn't have to deal with HIS family after his death. Unfortunately I had to deal wth mine. My Joey was cremated also and instead of a funeral, I had a "Celebration of Life."
As for talking to your Ian, I still talk to Joey and it's been a little over a year. I will always talk to him. I say goodnight to him every morning and he is the first thing I see when I get up. He will always be a part of me, just like your Ian is to you.
Anytime you feel the need to talk, just drop me an email. I have broad shoulders and a good listening ear. Take care of you, you are important too.

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  24 Mar 2005, 3:51 PM
Re: Missing my husband more everyday.
To Val x, Hi I just want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you haven't cried yet, its o.k. Our bodies form a natural defense, when you are numb its because your mind and body know that they are not ready to cry or to lose it. Its a natural defense that we are born with. I cried very very hard, screamed, kicked all night the night my sister killed herself but after that day it was a long time before I cried again. My body and mind knew that I had had enough for a while. So don't worry, just do what you feel if and when you feel like crying, cry. When you feel like talking to Ian, talk. No one can ever know your feelings or know what you have been through or live your life with him. Don't question your own actions you do what you have to because when this happens it is a very lonly battle. I lost my step-dad and sister, both to suicide, its a personal healing. I pray comfort and peace for you.
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  10 Jul 2005, 4:39 PM
Re: Missing my husband more everyday.
Hello Val,
I have just discovered this site and read your storey first.  My Morey was a suicide and he was cremated too. I am so glad I am not alone.  You know, you can have many friends and family around you and still feel no one understands. I understand all of what you have written and you are not doing a thing wrong.  God bless you.
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 Fire Wife
  14 Jul 2005, 10:26 AM
Re: Missing my husband more everyday.
Val x,
I know exactly how you feel.  I lost my husband in 2002 due to suicide.  We were married for 15 years, but had dated each other since we were in the 7th grade.  There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of him.
My biggest problem with my husband's family is that I know they blame me for his death. To be honest with you, the whole world can blame me for his death, but they will never know the WHOLE situation of our life together, things we had gone through, or the problems they caused in our lives.  My husband has an younger brother and he seems to be the worst one for blaming me.  Since he feels this way, he has completely ignored his two nephews that need him more than ever now that their father is no longer around.  This is the saddest thing for me.  To watch my boys go through the dad's death and then to turn around and have no family but me.
When my husband died, he shot himself in front of me.  Now you would think that with this I would be crying day in and day out.  But to be honest with you, I had to make myself cry around people. The only place I didn't have to make myself cry was his funeral and then I was crying mostly for my boys. We live in a small community and he was well known in this community, he was a fireman.  So when I had to call the police and go to the hospital, I made myself cry - when all I really wanted to do was shout at my husband.  I was so angry at him, it took me until Chrstmas of last year to not be.
All I can tell you is to take one day at a time.  Talk, yell, or do whatever you feel is right for you when it comes to your husband.  I know in my heart he can hear you - where ever you are at.  
There was one thing that did help me some and I did it with my oldest son. We each took a balloon - wrote messages on pieces of paper to his dad - stuck them inside the balloons - filled the balloons with hellium - went to his dad's grave and let them go.  My son's school counselor gave us the idea and helped us with the project.  Believe it or not, it did help.  My son seemed to be less depressed after we did this, and it did help me feel better.
I know that Ian's family really bothers you and I am sorry that they acted the way they did and do.  You could write them a letter about all your feelings, about what Ian had planned, and about them not being that clase anyway.  Even if you do not mail it, it can help to have those feelings written down.  Also, get a journal and start writing, this will help you to sort out your feelings and maybe get some closure.
I feel for you, I really do. And I hope that some of the things I have told you help. God bless.  You may write me if you desire.
It will get better,
Fire Wife
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