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Forum: Grief Therapy and Recovery
Thread Starter: sadmom
Started: 05-01-2007 8:35 PM
Replies: 3

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 http://ellie pie.memory-of.com
  01 May 2007, 8:35 PM
 estranged daughter
Two years ago this month, my adult daughter had a sudden change of personality and rejected me.  She blamed me for a variety of negative events from childhood on up, saying I smothered her, that I needed counseling (which I got) and then still refused a relationship.  The worst part is, my little grandaughter was a year old, and I don't know her any more.  It has been a horrendous grief, perhaps worse than death.  It feels as thought they have died, but then they haven't, so it can't be put to rest.  I am heartbroken, sick and devastated.  The most important thing I ever did in my life was to be a good mom, and my daughter told me I hand't been.  I cannot comprehend her hatred and punishment.  I don't know that I will ever see them again.  Almost every day feels like I'm living in a nightmare, and I will never get back the days of not seeing my grandaughter grow.
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  04 Sep 2007, 1:35 PM
Re: estranged daughter

My son has done the same thing. I was divorced when he was just teeny, and raised him on my own, with help from my mother, babysitting, etc, until he was 9, and I married again. My husband was the best stepfather, never even once crossing the line with him as far as discipline goes. He was a happy little boy, eager to please and cheerful. He was the only child at home, and so was the focus of much of our lives. He was raised for eight years in Nevada, and he just loved going out in the mountains, camping, and cave exploring with us and with his friends. Then.....we moved back to Utah for a few months, until our transfer to another job came thru, and we lived temporarily with my mom, in our travel trailer in her back yard, and my son was inside the house with her. He had just turned 18, and had gotten himself a job, and wanted to stay. Against my wishes, he did. He was a good kid, but his grandma always had a soft spot for him, and he tended to take advantage of her, if she allowed it, and she did. I told her not to let him do it, and she said that she would only be there in a supportive role, not to spoil him, just to 'help'.  Less than a month later, he was engaged to marry a girl whose reputation was less than savory, and they were determined. They were married in January, and by April had lost their apartment, and wanted to move to Colorado to live with us. We agreed, and bought a house that had an upstairs apartment, which they rented. He had a job, she did not, and they were able to make their rent and have a little extra, even. They had a darling little boy 5 years ago,  my son had a vasectomy before he was born, due to his wife's health problems, and all seemed fine. His wife fit into our family just fine, or so I thought. I enjoyed her company, and began to understand why he had married her. She is fun, and outgoing, if messy and irresponsible. She never had a job until about 6 months ago, when my grandbaby went to kindergarden, and liked to sleep in-a lot. I am ambitious, and organized, and so this bothered my son, since it was not what he was used to, and he complained to her alot, about getting up, and cleaning house, doing laundry, getting a job, etc, using 'my mom does it' as a weapon. When the baby was 10 months old, they moved back to Utah, to be near her mother, who is very passive, and moved in with her. While they lived here, they would leave the baby with me much of the time. I had him overnight for the first time, the day he turned 6 weeks old. I took him to work with me, and he adored me, and the feeling was so mutual. He went everywhere with my husband and myself. My husband just worships him, and he loves his Papa. I believe my daughter-in-law began to be jealous of the time we spent with him, even though she was the one who would bring him down to us, and pick him up sometimes days later, while she slept, or visited with her freinds or family in a nearby city. At any rate, once they moved, their financial situation went up and down. My son would get a good job, and then start skipping days, and lose it. When he was working well, they would buy lots of stuff they didn't need, and really couldn't afford, and when he would be out of work, they would sell or pawn it. I remember when he was a little boy, he didn't know what a pawn shop was. He thought it was just a second hand store, so this kind of thing was not a way of life for him until he married. Finally, they moved into my mothers' basement apartment, where she paid the utilities, and all they would be responsible for was the rent. $400.00 per month. In the three years they lived there, they paid three months rent. She bought their internet, their cell phones, sometimes even made their car payment for them. When they rented from us, they always paid rent, and on time, because they knew it was expected. With mama, she let them slide, and slide and slide. I think she valued the companionship more than the rent. He has always been the apple of her eye, and he knows it. Long, long story shortened-my mama died in her sleep in January, (after a fight with his wife over my mother not being able to do her laundry, due to the amount of crap in the laundry room, blocking the washer,  we know this because she called my sister and was crying over it-) and they had to move, since the house went up for sale. My mother had put the house in my older sisters name years ago, and it was in her will that when she died, it be sold for the two of us. They got an apartment in the next town, and now they have been evicted-again. In the last year I have given him in excess of 8 thousand dollars, and I am done. He has some of my mothers pictures that he will not give me, irreplaceable ones, that he has been holding onto, promising to send them if I will wire him $200.00, etc. Of course the pictures have never come. I bought my mothers car from my sister, and gave it to him, because he caused such a stink the night before her memorial service. He seems to think that I should pick up where my mother left off, but I won't do it. He will never become a real man relying on someone else. It's time he stood on his own two feet. He is 25 years old now, and it's time. I spoke with my grandson a month or so ago, and told him he could come and visit grandma, and he said they wouldn't let him. My son got on the phone, and said "I don't know why he says things like that!" I do. I was the best mother I knew how to be, and I still am. I have a three year old son, and that is another bone of contention with the eldest son. He is insanely jealous of his little brother. When the older one was little, our money was tighter, and we didn't have as much 'stuff'. Now our lifestyle is different. We worked had to buy a home, and give the little one what he needs, just like we did before, but constantly we are told that we spoil him. Well, we spoiled the older one, too, with our time and attention. He was the most loved little boy, and still is, but sometimes I don't recognize him. I believe the wife has a great deal to do with this. Only since marrying her, has he realized what a horrible, deprived childhood he suffered. Only since then has he come to appreciate what a mean, terrible person I am. I ache for my grandson, and for my son, as well, since this person is not who I raised. I feel as if I am mourning the loss of three of my dear ones, my mother to death, and my son and grandson, due to his choice. My daughter-in-law is sweet as can be to my face, but I know the situation is not as it seems. When they fight, she calls me, and so does he, each telling their side, and I hear what she really thinks of me. I have done everything I can do to help her, even being with her when the baby was born, as her mother couldn't be there. I don't know specifically what has changed my son, from the boy who loved his mom, to one who avoids her at all costs. I don't even have a phone number for him most of the time. I don't know where he lives, or works. I know he changed jobs, at the urging of his wife, and is again financially strapped. They sold the car that was my mothers. The one that reminded him so much of grandma he was willing to cause a fight the night before her funeral over it. I, too, know that the years without my grandson are lost to me, but I have to accept it. I can't change the way my son feels about me. All I can hope for is that at some point, my grandson will want to be with me again, and I will be here. I am with you in your pain, thanks for listening to mine. Leslie

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  07 Feb 2010, 2:58 PM
Re: estranged daughter

Dear sadmom,

I can totally understand how you feel. I too am struggling with my son's estrangement. He is 34 and is the love of my life to say the least. I am totally at a loss as to why he is not communicating with me or my daughter. I was a single mom and single handedly provided for both of my children. I showed them love 24/7. I have always been there for him so this is why it is so hard for me to accept this behavior from him. I feel I just don't deserve this.

It all started about 6 years ago. He got involved with a very controlling girl and before I could warn him of how I felt abot her, she comes up pregnant. She and I have had our run-ins regarding how she treats my son in my presence. She is so rude, ignorant and so disrespectful it is appauling to me.

My granddaughter is 5 now and they control her conversations with me. Well that was a year ago. Now we barely talk to each other both my son and my granddaughter. I feel so bad sometimes. I feel like part of me is missing and I'm unable to move forward from this. I miss both my grandaughter and my son so much at times that I feel like I'm drowning. I had no idea that there were this many people out there that are going through what we are going through with our grown children.

I am here for you if you ever feel like talking about this.

Hugs to you

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 devoted mum
  04 Apr 2010, 8:44 PM
Re: estranged daughter
I know how you feel. My daughter in her 20s has an eating disorder and has not spoken to me for 2 years. She has accused me of being a bad mother. I have always loved her so much and don't know where to turn.I understand that these things happen with eating disorders but I miss her such a lot.
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